"I have taken the road less traveled, and that has made all the difference."
A good old friend's girlfriend, around my age, just published her first book. As I bought it on Kindle, and am really amazed by it, I couldn't help but think about my constant "I'm going to write a book" sayings. Mine is going to be quite a dramatic memoir, and I start to write and then realize I've forgotten things and give up. I'm not good at "works in progress."
So I thought, inspired by this new author, that I would start here. I have had this blog for years and put in entries 5 times. Of alllll the stuff that has happened in my life, I've blogged 5 times. How many 45 minute conversations could this blog have saved Megan, or Kathleen, or my mom? lol :) jk.
Last summer, I moved from Indianapolis to Santa fe, New Mexico. A beautiful, diverse, wonderful place that I love. Around December I was toying with the idea of moving back, mostly because of a guy back home. I put the decision on the backburner, knowing I did not want to make a monumental decision to move from a place where I love teaching, for a guy who may or may not work out. So I made myself think. and think I did. I thought hard. And I did my job. And I explored. and I didn't visit home. I promised myself I would make my decision based on nothing but myself and Santa Fe. For Spring Break, my mom and dad came out and we visited the Grand Canyon and Sedona, Arizona. After they left, Terry (the guy) came and visited me, and we went to Bandelier, White Sands, and other cool places around here. I was glad to have visitors, but equally as glad to have people coming to me, so I didn't have to think so hard about my decision. I knew whatever I decided, would have to be done on my own. My parents took over a week off work and spent tons of time helping me move last summer, and I knew if I decided to move back, I would be on my own.
Towards the end of March, I wasn't sure what was going on with Terry. What I was becoming sure of was that I was a family girl, and that I belonged near my family. I was also sure I really enjoyed teaching out here, and that I was truly blessed with every single student and parent that made up my classroom community. So I began taking steps toward deciding. After a week or two of angst, arisen from the thought of telling my boss, I decided to simply go talk to her about it. After a heartfelt reflection on my part, she told me about her experience- she grew up in Albuquerque, then in her 20s decided to move to teach on an Indian reservation in Wyoming. Like me, there were days she woke up and thought "What the hell did I just do?" and there were days when she realized how lucky she was to have the opportunity to do something she wondered "how the hell she did." Like me, when the school year was nearing a close, she felt strongly that she wanted to go home. Like me, she practically gave herself stomach ulcers trying to decide how to tell her boss. Like me, she timidly approached her boss with her decision. Like her, her boss smiled and said nicely, "(her name), we will miss you. and we don't want you to, but... you can go. it's ok." And just like her, I felt a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I knew I wasn't making a decision based on a guy. Earlier, I had consulted a woman whom I consider to be one of my best friends, Megan, who told me, "Do what your heart says." "Megan, I don't know what the hell my heart is saying!" I whined.
During my conversation that day with my boss, she said , "Andie, I think you've been brave, you've done a wonderful thing. You're a wonderful teacher. But your heart? It's not here. I'm not sure why, and it's not my business. But your heart isn't here. So go home. But I think you'll be back, in some capacity." Then she asked me, repeatedly over those couple of months, "Do you regret this? Will you regret moving back? Do you feel you've done what you've set out to do?" And each time, I answered no to the first two questions, and yes to the third. I will never regret this year and all of the challenges, enjoyment, wonder, scariness, loneliness, and happiness it has brought me. neither will I regret moving back, knowing that I am going home to, as I often say "my people," whether or not Terry continues to be a part of that groups, and "my home" of Indianapolis, which a year ago I could not stand. I don't think the hosting of the superbowl helped my homesickness much. :)
So on April 4, I typed up my letter of resignation to Santa Fe Public Schools. I printed it out, signed it, and put it in an envelope addressed to my boss, as I was directed to do. I walked into her office and held up the envelope. She made a sad face. I said "We're just not gonna talk about this, I'm just going to set this on your chair, and then we're not going to talk about it."
And we didn't. She supported me in giving me an excellent final evaluation, and strolling by my room occasionally and complimenting a job well done. she also wasn't afraid to give suggestions to me on new approaches or suggestions. I was an active member of the staff until the day I left. and technically, I still am, since, even though I've turned in my keys, I'm not done. On Friday after I turned in my keys, she made the same sad face. Just like before, I said "Nope, this is not goodbye. I am having trouble detaching, so I am just going to come volunteer." So I will be doing that the next 2 weeks until my dad comes to get me to drive me home. Just like turning in that letter, I need time to say goodbye to her, to the school, to the staff members, and Santa Fe.
In ten years, when my children are sitting on my lap, I will tell them about the year I set out to do something no one thought I could do. I followed my cousin, Lindsey, and her darling boys, who are the loves of my life, to New Mexico. and I gave it a fair chance. It wasn't easy, but it was exhilarating. The challenges I surpassed were monumental. i feel as if I matured, not aged, several years. And here I am, almost packed, set to move back to Indianapolis, to my childhood home, in my 10x10 bedroom where I grew up, and I couldn't feel more excited, happy, and thankful.
